Summer of ‘83: JAWS 3-D
|Starring||Dennis Quaid, Bess Armstrong, Simon MacCorkindale|
18 and up; Children 6 and up will be allowed only with a parent guardian. No children under the age of 6 will be allowed.
Alright, even though you know better, if you absolutely have to go and make a sequel to JAWS, this is how you should do it. The monumental achievement of the original can never be matched, so better to zig where that one zags.
First, realize that whatever director you get will never replace Steven Spielberg, so just grab whoever and make up the difference by overflowing the movie with credit-flying, severed-limb-and-head-floating, dolphin-and-orca-jumping, water-splashing-in-the-camera, slow-motion-water-ski-jumping, harpoon-firing-just-like-FRIDAY-THE-13TH-3D-but-what're-you-gonna-do-you're-fighting-a-shark, fake-dragons-and-snakes-popping-out, shark-exploding-and-spraying-goo-all-over-the-audeince 3D.
Second, you come up with a better gimmick than "that shark shows up at Amity Island again". This time the son of Chief Brody from the original, all grown up and played by Dennis Quaid, is opening a fancy new Sea World park that he's designed. Paid for by eccentric rich guy Lou Gossett Jr., it's a fancy state-of-the-art underwater park submerged in and looking out onto a man-made lagoon. It genuinely seems like a pretty neat place, but wouldn't you know it, a young up-and-comer shark named Jaws 3 spoils all the fun when he comes looking for snacks.
This is what 3D was made for. No, this is what summer was made for.