Austin News

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Remakes SHMEEMAKES! This means WAR.

Prepare to be chilled to the bone before bursting into a flaming ball of rage.

As if the state of things wasn't bad enough, movie-obsessed website Den of Geek has just released a pretty-damn-official listing of 55 (FIFTY FIVE!!) movies that are slated for Hollywood remake treatment over the next three years. That list is HERE, but before you click on that link, consider how much you care about what you hold close to your heart. If you're at all faithful to the ones that you love -- like your mom, your wife, Ray Harryhausen's CLASH OF THE TITANS -- gird your loins for some blazing fury. The enemy is approaching in the guise of "re-imaginings" of untouchable favorites including THE DIRTY DOZEN, THEY LIVE, POLTERGEIST, RED DAWN, THE THING (again), SHORT CIRCUIT and...METROPOLIS!!??!!! The anti-creativity levy has broken and we're about to face an apocalyptic tidal wave of limp, CGI-laden retreads of the films that made us love movies in the first place, many of which will be helmed by 22-year-old music video directors who weren't even in training pants yet when the original films swept the world up in a frenzy of ambition, imagination and that bygone Hollywood Magic.

There may be some out there who consider remake-haters as a bunch of overly nostalgic cinema fogeys who can't step forward into the "modern age of entertainment." But that dismissal could only come from people who prefer the comforting whiteness of a cucumber "wrap" over a delicious, steaming burrito. It's become the national standard to be intimated by traditionalism, originality and -- most tragically -- quality.

So, if you're one of these easily placated schlubs who readily embrace the increasingly furious avalanche of recycled concepts...your life will surely be beautiful. When you back over the family cat in your 2009 model PT Cruiser, you can buy another one from the Petco and not feel the sting of loss. When grandma dies, just go on Craigslist and find grandpa a newer, shinier wife, maybe even with breast implants. And at the very end of your years, when every shred of the past has been erased from your world, you can at last lay down peacefully -- unfettered by the clunky ugliness of things that actually mattered -- and disappear into the eternal sleep of the equally forgotten.

Damn, I hate remakes.

News Categories: Austin

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